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I’m only in my early 20's. I’m just not realizing the importance of having woman in my life. Growing up, I was the cheerleader who didn’t get along with other girls. I would hang out with my cousins (all guys) or stay with my mom. I didn’t understand that having girls as friends would be one of the best things I could have in my life. In the past two years I have gained some amazing woman in my life. I now see that it’s okay to cry. And that God made a woman capable to hold the burdens of the world on her shoulders, but yet still be soft and gentle to cradle a baby in her arms. I now see women as being strong. Wise beyond their years. I just wish I learned that when I was younger. I moved to Texas right out of high school for an internship and a lady from the church I was attending let me move in with her and her family. That winter, her husband died leaving her behind with three kids all under the age of 10. I didn’t know what to do, or say. But instincts kicked in. I just lent her an ear, a shoulder to cry on, and tons of girls’ nights with tea and pop corn. In that time she was teaching me how to be strong. Even in the weakest moment. I knew she wanted to just crawl under the covers and never come out, but she didn’t. Every day she got up, made breakfast, packed lunch's for the kids and went about their day. She strived to become stronger. In the midst of all this, she taught me to go after my dreams, as she had to recreate a life without a husband and father. She went after her dreams. She helped me find confidence in who I am. And that I am a beautiful woman of God. Who has the whole world ahead of me for my adventures. I am forever thankful to this wonderful woman of God.
 

     If I asked you to picture in your mind’s eye right now the person in your life that you need to forgive, I bet most everyone would think of someone. It could be the bully that picked on you in the fourth grade, the parent who abused you, or the drunk driver that killed your sister. For me, for years, it was the man who raped me.

      I bet that when you thought of the person you need to forgive, you thought of the deed they did to you that was so horrible. And I also bet that you had some kind of reaction to that, something no one else could see, like your blood pressure going up or your body getting tense. We actually have physical responses to these memories, and that is a part of why these memories are so bad. That thing that happened to you so many years ago is still affecting you to this day. The stress of that memory has built up and has changed who you are. This stress can cause you to have disease in the body, it can affect your sleeping patterns, your moods, it can cause weight problems. And it doesn’t just affect your physical body. The anger and pain you carry with that memory can affect your relationships, it can cause you to use drugs, alcohol or food to try to relieve some of that pain. Some people suffer from depression or are terribly angry. You may not even realize how the pain is affecting you, how it is shaping your life and the decisions you make; because you have tried to just stuff down those memories, just “get over it”. These are just a few of the reasons why it is so important to let go of this anger, resentment and pain. This is why it is so important to forgive.

      For me, the anger I felt towards the man who raped me was shoved down so deep….and being a victim of rape, sometimes you feel anger even toward yourself, and shame. I never spoke of it, my first mistake. And I never did anything to ease that pain…never asked for help, I just tried not to think about it. And affect me it did. Over the years, I became angry and resentful towards the people that were close to me. I suffered from severe body image issues, and began to try to numb myself of the pain in so many different ways. But nothing made those feelings really go away.

      I knew that I needed to make some big changes in my life or I would be headed down a very dark path that would be hard to recover from. But forgiveness was such a fuzzy idea to me. How do you just “do it”? I made a decision to go on a journey to learn how to forgive this man. The first important thing I realized is that when you forgive someone, you are doing it for yourself, not for that other person. When you forgive them, it does not make what they did to you ok, it doesn’t mean you agree with what they did or condone that horrible deed. You are doing it for you and you alone.

      But I still struggled with the how. And this is the journey you must take on your own . One idea may not work for every person…you need to find what works for YOU. Read books, talk to people, meditate on it, pray, whatever you can do to find that inspiration. And know that you cannot MAKE it happen; when you are ready it will happen, almost magically.

      My own “a-ha” moment actually happened while I was reading a children’s book written by Neale Donald Walsh called “The Little Soul and the Sun”. It is the story of a little soul who, before being born to this earthly plane, is talking to God. The little soul is trying to decide what lessons he would like to learn in his next lifetime, and decides he would like to learn about forgiveness. God says “But there is no one to forgive. Everything I have made is perfect. There is not a single soul in creation less perfect than you.” The little soul is very sad; “But I wanted to experience myself as One who Forgives”. Suddenly, another friendly soul steps forward and says “Do not worry, I will help you. I can come into your next lifetime and do something for you to forgive. It is because I love you and want to help you”.

      The little soul was very thankful, and asked “But what will you do, that will be so terrible?”. To which the friendly soul replied “We will think of something.” I ask only one thing of you. In the moment when I strike and smite you, in the moment that I do the worst thing to you that you could possibly imagine, remember who I really am. Because you see, I will have been pretending so hard, I will have forgotten myself. And if you forget who you are, then we will both be lost.” The little soul was thankful for this opportunity to experience himself as one who forgives, and agreed.

      This story resonated with me so strongly, and that was the moment I knew I could forgive the man who hurt me so badly. We had made an agreement together in Heaven as we chose our life lessons to be learned. Upon reading these words the pain and anger began to melt away.

      So make a decision to forgive, and go on a journey to find your peace. It is one of the best things you can do for yourself, and for everyone who loves you. I know, because now when I picture the man’s face that raped me, I am no longer filled with hate. I can actually picture his face and be filled with love and gratitude for the opportunity to experience forgiveness, and to teach others how to do the same.
 

     I graduated from college one year ago. I was so proud of my degree. I was proud to receive it and excited to go out into the world and become the strong, independent woman I was meant to be.

      One year later, I am living in my mother's basement, still unable to find a job in my field and wondering if the world has given up on me, and if I should finally give up on it. Who do I blame? The economy? The value of a liberal arts degree? The American government? My lack of experience? I know that I am bright and talented, yet I search, submit and wait for my first big break day after day after day.... It is disheartening and discouraging. I am often left in tears, feeling as though my dreams will never in fact be realized.

      When is enough really enough? When should a girl throw in the towel? No husband, no boyfriend, no "real job." I survive on roman noodles and minimum wage pay and I have a college degree, an internship, and my name in print (my own byline). I want to scream often. Sometimes I do. I want to break things. Sometimes I punch my pillow.

      I've begun to consider grad school, but guess what.. A. it requires money, B. experience in one\'s field is encouraged before enrolling and C. a masters degree will STILL not guarantee me a job in my chosen field.

      DESPITE all of this, despite the pain and constant rejection (from men and future employers), I somehow and usually remain optimistic. I am still consistently sending out those resumes. I am still dreaming about my first big break in the world of a career. I still check my email and voice mail every night when I return home from my job in retail, hoping that someone will, for once, want to not only interview but HIRE ME. (I still think I might have a shot at that engagement ring other ladies in my life and past seem to keep getting way before me.) Nothing yet.. but someday, my time will come.

      I hope.

 

hi.
I love myself
but no one else does
well my friends do
but guys think I’m ugly
they think I’m fat
I don’t think I’m ugly,
and I don’t think I’m fat
I love myself,
well...I used to
not anymore because
people just made fun of me
and made me feel like shit.
I like to not eat
and I like to throw up
this isn’t me, I don’t know
where the real me is,
but I’m definitely not her.

My hips, my thighs, my lips, my eyes. It ain’t Coca-cola shaped, but I love my size. And when society tries to tell me that beauty is a prize, I just tell them "I'd like to compromise.”
I do have some confessions that I must tell to all. I do have imperfections, impurities and flaws.
My natural nails are short and my lashes aren't long and thick. Ain’t the size of a model, I'm a beautiful healthy chick!
I may not have a big chest, and yes, to you, my shoulders are broad. But know that I was handcrafted, specially made and I am beauty in the eyes of God.
So go ahead and throw your head back, laugh and say untrue!
And while you're laughing, name a friend who you THINK won't talk about you.
but I'll tell you this, I love me miss B.E.A.utiful am I.
So now you know why I walk around holding my head up high!
Because I have a father who sits on high and looks down just to see...
If I am loving others, but making sure I'm loving me!